Sisyphean Devotion
by AlucardLovesSteakCakes
Summary: Izaya is dead, taking a bullet for Shiki during a meeting with a client. Now he's left with the boy's laptop diary and a heart full of regret. Now he's being let into the world of a boy with a haunting past. Reading this diary will do nothing, Izaya is dead, but perhaps it can give him closure. Or perhaps, he can understand why the boy loved him so much...maybe even reciprocate...
1. Chapter 0

**Sis·y·phe·an  
**

sisəˈfēən/

_adjective  
_

(of a task) such that it can never be completed.

* * *

**De·vo·tion  
**

diˈvōSHən/

_noun_

love, loyalty, or enthusiasm for a person, activity, or cause.

* * *

It had happened in a blink of an eye, so fast that Shiki had no time to comprehend what had happened. They had been standing on the rooftop up a building, negotiating with a client, just the three of them, when there was a gasp to his left. Orihara had rushed in front of him, obscuring his field of view, knocking him to the ground before he even registered that he had lost his balance. He had cracked back on the concrete of the roof, white flashing in front of his eyes from the pain, but he was used to pain and shook it off instantly. He had moved to sit up but found Izaya sprawled over him like a rag doll.

There was an incessant ringing in his ears and his vision was spinning, but he was sure the client had screamed and run towards the fire escape. What had that loud noise been? That cracking bang that had his ears ringing? He knew the noise, one of the most common sounds of his life, but the whole situation felt surreal. As if it was happening to someone else.

There had been a gunshot, but he was sure he hadn't been hit, though it might just be because of the adrenaline pumping through his veins that took away the pain. However, Orihara wasn't moving, hadn't moved from his sprawling loose hug. It was reminiscent of the random attack hugs the boy had always given him when others weren't looking, despite the punches he gave to the boy's head to show his displeasure. Was Orihara shot? Had he taken the bullet for him? Why would he do such a thing?

He knew the answers to his questions, knew that the boy wasn't going to move. Of course Orihara would do such a thing, without hesitation or fear or hint of regret. He knew what had happened, knew exactly why Orihara wasn't giving him a smirk or singing his name in the same annoying fashion as always.

The gaping hole in the back of the boy's skull, the bright red and pink chunks that were oozing out of the large wound telling him all he needed to know.

He should have said something, he should have noticed the signs, should have taken him at his word. It hadn't occurred to him that he was still in love with him despite having rejected him. He should have understood that the boy was serious when he said he would die for him. But it was too late, and all he was left with now was the boy's laptop diary, and a heart full of regret.

* * *

Next update at **ten reviews!** C'mon you guys let's get this thing rolling! :D

Alu loves you!


	2. Chapter 1

Sorry for the wait my avid readers, but I've been busy with work and have had my hands tied. Back to business now, hope you enjoy!

Next chapter up at: **20 reviews **

* * *

Izaya funeral occurred without Shiki ever attending. He spent the night with a bottle of vodka and a pack of cigarettes while he lounged on his couch in the darkness of his penthouse. He sent a message that he would be taking two weeks off from his work in Awakusakai, his superiors unhappy but Akabayashi covered for him and negotiated a fair deal. He spent the first couple days in a drunken stupor, and since when he was drunk he was fairly docile he just never left the couch and fell in and out of sleep.

On the third day, however, he received a package at his door that was addressed to him from Izaya. It was technically from the boy's attorney, obviously his share from the boy's will, and he found himself staring at the box as he stood in rumpled clothes in his doorframe. He was a proud man, and had done horrible things in his life, but he was capable of feeling remorse. He was a yakuza, but he was still human, and as such he was able to have feelings just like everyone else. Sure, he came off terrifying and coarse, just like he wanted, but in the privacy of his home and with the exception of a few close friends...he could stop being Shiki and go back to being Daiki Nagisa.

He toed the small cardboard box into his apartment silently, his cigarette hanging lazily from the corner of his mouth. Shutting the door and locking it behind him, he let his face sag in sadness. A part of him didn't want to open the box, instead wanting to lob it out the window, but if Izaya wanted him to have whatever was inside then he would do him that favor.

He owed the boy so much, after all.

Izaya Orihara and he had met when he had been twenty-six and the boy just fourteen. He had simply skinny lad with strange red eyes and a hidden agenda, and when they had bumped in a back alley Shiki had not thought much of him. The boy's face had been bruised considerably, purpling yellow skin around his nose and upper lip, and he had been toting a butterfly knife in his thin hands. It had been raining, Shiki holding up a clear plastic umbrella but the boy had been soaked to the bone, his dark hair plastered to his skull. He was wearing a hoodie, but the hood was down and offered little protection from the pounding rain.

Shiki remembered that the boy had said nothing when they collided, him just strolling while the other had run towards him but not seen him, despite his own apology. Izaya had just looked up at him and stared for a few moments before dashing off down the alley and around the corner to the busy street. It had seemed like the boy was being chased although there was no one else that Shiki encountered in the rest of his journey.

That had been their first unofficial meeting, but when they actually met and exchanged pleasantries it had been a whole year later. He caught sight of the boy being chased by a blonde his age, the latter screaming that he was going to kill him while Izaya just laughed and dodged a thrown vending machine. The boy he recognized as Shizuo Heiwajima, a famous boy who could lift cars, but he had forgotten he had ever seen Izaya before. The raven had taken refuge behind his car, his chauffeur stopped at a red light next to the sidewalk and Izaya crouching beneath his window. He had simply rolled down the window and rapped his knuckles on the boy's head. He had made the strangest squeaking noise before he collected him and looked up at him. Shiki had yet to recognize him, having only seen him looking like a rain-soaked wannabe thug.

"I'm sorry about crouching here but I don't want to get caught because I kind of want to live so yeah..." The boy had grinned up at him like they were old friends, chattering like a monkey, and Shiki had simply taken another drag of his cigarette. "I'm Izaya Orihara, nice to meet you!" He extended his hand for a handshake, but Shiki was not the type to greet unfamiliar and strange people. However, the boy wasn't fazed at all by his indifference and continued to blab despite his earlier statement of not wanting to be caught.

"Yakuza right?" The boy had asked, though it was more of statement. Shiki had not responded, smoking his cancer stick and just staring down at the boy from his seat. Izaya continued on and Shiki noticed he wore the uniform of a high school student, and mentally dubbed the boy a freshman from his youthful appearance. Then he saw the knife, a butterfly knife he barely recognized, and remembered their collision in the alleyway. _  
_

"So that kid's interesting, right? Certainly more interesting than most people around here to be sure, but then again this town is rather boring." He glanced behind the car briefly before returning to his upward stare and grin. The light changed to green and Shiki took out one of his business cards and dropped it out the window, the card fluttering to the sidewalk at the boy's feet. "Shiki." he had said, and the car drove forward and around the corner, the boy out of sight. However, Shiki spared a glance before they turned and saw the boy stand and slowly pick up the card. He had spared a small smirk for the _interesting _lad.

Back in the present he brought the light weight box to his desk, one that faced away from the large paneled windows that made up the southern wall of his apartment. He knew that the boy had modeled his own abode after his, going as far to wear the same rings on the same fingers. But the boy had always been endearingly fascinated with him for no reason he had been able to discern for many years. At least, until that raining night when the boy had told him himself.

He shook his head, trying to physically throw the thoughts from his mind. He took his letter opener from a drawer in the solid steel desk and began to open the infernal box that plagued him. What would the boy leave to him, what did he own that Izaya had any emotional connection to? Perhaps it was work material, since he had been in the boy's apartment countless times and never saw anything of apparent sentimental value. It was the former, for when he opened the package all that was inside, half buried in packing peanuts, was Izaya's black laptop.

After Izaya's death, that was meant to be his own, Izaya's will had apparently passed on very little. Most of his things had been ordered to be burned, a certain head to be returned to it's rightful owner, and all his savings transferred to his younger sisters. His parents were still alive, though Shiki knew very little about them, but although his sisters had come to his funeral in tears his parents had not shown up at all. Apparently they were on broken terms, as the boy had rarely talked about them and had given his vast fortune to his sisters in an account that could only be accessed by them when they turned eighteen.

Despite all their threats on his life and bragging about how much they hated him, according his sources they had attempted to stop the burial and tried to pry open to the coffin to see them. They were stopped by Heiwajima Shizuo, the most unusual mourner there among the few who actually showed up, and he had pulled them into a hug and led them back to the only other people present. The dullahan had shown up, with her head on and memories intact, along with her fiance Shinra Kishitani-a man whose services Shiki employed often. Akabayashi had watched from a distance in his stead, he himself unable to drag himself to such a morbid affair. He had already had to hold the boy's corpse, a fate that was meant for him, and the guilt he felt was unbearable.

They had been conversing with a client, Izaya tagging along on the mission he could have taken by himself but the other had insisted he accompany him. The boy had latched onto his arm and grinned up at him like he always did, making a pouting face that did not suit him in the slightest. Anyhow, there had been a sniper on the roof of the opposite building waiting to assassinate Shiki. It would have been a successful attempt if Izaya had insisted he join him. He had first thought that maybe Izaya had known all along, coming along and sealing his own fate on purpose to save Shiki's.

However, if Izaya had known he would have taken care of the sniper before they arrived, using his connections through his cellphone with the absurd kitten phone strap. Izaya had noticed the gunman just before he had fired, diving in the way of the bullet to catch it or knocking Shiki out of the way, no one but the boy buried six feet under would know.

He had sat on that roof, the sniper running away after the misfire for no discernible reason, the boy's corpse sprawled in his lap. He hadn't cried, hadn't said a word, but he had let his mask drop and showed sadness in his eyes as he turned the boy over to close his own. Then he had made a few phone calls, remaining there on the floor with one hand over the boy's head as it rested in his lap as if they were back at his apartment on his couch on any old day.

He deposited the box on the floor and set the laptop on his desk, wondering why Izaya would send him such a thing. It couldn't be filled with all his information he had gathered, as those were all on disks and usb the boy had ordered Akabayshi to burn personally. It had been done, so what could remain on the laptop that the boy would have wanted him to see? His apartment was bathed in a dark orange, the sun setting behind him, and he was dressed a rumpled white shirt half unbutton at the collar.

His black slacks had nicks in them and he only had on a pair of white socks, the soles light brown with dirt he had collected walking around his apartment. His eyes were tired, a pair of reading glasses he had fished from within his desk drawer perched precariously on his nose. He hadn't cried yet, he wasn't planning on crying. Despite being now in his state of going back to being Daiki Nagisa, his mask of Shiki dropped away, he was unable to cry.

Yakuza didn't cry, no matter how much they wished they could.

Izaya Orihara had been someone precious to him, first like a little brother and maybe slightly like a son and then...and then he didn't know what he thought of the boy anymore. He still thought he was a boy, would continue to refer to him as such, despite his growth in height and his blatant age of twenty-four despite childishly claiming to be forever twenty-one. The boy constantly burst into his apartment to pester him and sleep on his lap. He was like a cat, elusive but clingy when he wanted to be.

He was eccentric, with hobbies Shiki could barely understand, a pessimistic and nihilistic view on life while maintaining a philosophical and existential thought pattern. He could be immature and childish, teasing and playing around like a little kid, but in the next moment he was deathly serious as he collected information and conducted business with his clients. It was in those moments that Shiki saw a young man set in his professionalism, but when he caught sight of him chased by Shizuo Heiwajima around Ikebukuro he saw the crafty boy he had known for so long.

He opened the laptop and turned it on with a hold of a button. As it booted up, the screen going from black to white with the symbol of the company to a baby blue screen of a standard wallpaper, Shiki mused on the boy's love for him. It had been apparent to him, painfully apparent, when he was sitting on the roof with Izaya's body in his lap as he waited for Akabayashi and the paramedic to arrive, that the boy had still been in love with him up to the end. Every action, every word, everything thrown his way was so blatantly obvious to him after his death.

Running his fingers along the touch pad he examined Izaya's laptop. The wallpaper was just a plain blue, professional and impersonal, and there were only five folders on the desktop plus the trash can symbol. He clicked on the trash can and found a few photos, all of people he didn't recognize and labeled as _'Morishige Institute'. _They seemed to be photos from past clients, trashed as the case closed and the business transacted. He located the file '_Morishige Institute_', one of the five folders' and found it empty. Clearly Izaya had forgotten to delete the folder or had been interrupted while doing so. The other four files had more familiar titles.

'_Celty'_

_'Kukuri'_

_'Mairu'_

_'4 Nagisa-san'_

He smiled involuntarily, the shortened cigarette turning up with his lips, and he stubbed it out in the ashtray on his desk along with his smile. Forgoing any more advancement of his progressive trip into lung cancer, he clicked on the intriguing file addressed to him. There was only one file in it, a word document labeled '_Please Read Me'. _The fact that Izaya had addressed him by his real name, a name only known by a select few and only ever vocally used by the boy in question, made the whole process that much harder. He double clicked on the document and waited patiently until it popped up.

_May 4th 1997_

_So today is my birthday and I'm holed up in my room writing this stupid diary instead actually doing something fun. My therapist told me to stat this in January, but fuck it I'm starting in May. She said it would be good if I vent my feelings here, write about my experiences at the end of every month for a year. That's great and all but I think it's a load of shit. How could this possibly help me? Nothing's going to help me, not even killing myself. _

_Anyway, this is starting to get depressing despite the fact that I don't think I could possibly get more depressed than I already am. Since it's just the start of May I'll talk about the last four months I guess. I've been avoiding my sisters and my parents, and although my sisters try really hard to get my attention my parents had stopped trying a long time ago. I don't know why they care enough to even send me to a therapist, but then again it's required by the government. Fuck the government, therapy is stupid. _

_She prescribed me these pills that taste like death, but I take them because I have to admit that they calm me down when I'm on the verge of a breakdown. Those breakdowns don't happen very often any more, but then again I've not gone outside since it happened so I haven't been exposed to much. My sisters bring me my meals and I stay in here for most of the day, while my parents ignore my existence. They weren't very involved parents before it happened, but now its like I've been wiped off the family tree. Its like I've shamed them, or something. _

_Rape's a bitch._

* * *

Read and Review and sleep well!


	3. Chapter 2

Thank for all the kickass reviews, and I hope you like this chappie!

Next chapter up at: **30 reviews (****multiple reviews+anonymous ones totes okay****)**

* * *

Shiki sucked in a breath and leaned back into his chair. _Rape is a bitch. _A childish phrase that should never leave the mouth of a child. To think, for an instant, that Izaya had been subjected to such a thing at twelve years old, it was madness. But, it would explain a lot about the boy's behavior. For all that Shiki had known him, for those ten solid years, the boy was just a little less of an enigma than what he was to everyone else. He couldn't claim to understand him, to truly understand his motives and his emotions, to claim such a thing would be presumptuous of him. What was this diary, anyway? Was this the boy's way of finally explaining himself? Of what use could it be, now that the boy was dead and all he left with was emptiness.

Reaching into his desk he pulled out a fresh carton of cigarettes and lit it between his teeth a single fluid motion, his health be damned. The sound of his clock, a tacky silver airplane with the clock face where the motors would be, was all of a sudden too loud for him to bear and in a sudden burst of anger he swiped it off his desk. He didn't care if it broke, which by the sounds it made it most likely had, the flash of anger gone as soon as it had come as his cigarette drown out his agony for the moment. What was the harm in continuing his read, if it would only help him gain insight to the boy who had so loved him? He owed him this, he knew that well, he owed him this and more for all the pain he had gone through for him.

_June 28th 1997_

_So apparently I'm not required to go to court and testify, which to me is rather strange since I'm sure as hell old enough to. Anyway, someone stood in for me and I just had to write some long ass testimony saying this dude raped me and yes I'm sure it was him oh I'm in so much pain blah blah blah. I'm not really hurting, not physically at least, I'm just really confused, actually. Mom and Dad still ignore me, and I think it's going to be a regular thing from now on so I'll just have to get over it. Mairu and Kukuri don't understand what happened, but they'll figure it out soon enough. I think they're more like me they our parents, much more perceptive than they look. _

_I start school in August, and they're sending me back to my old school because they think that a new school would be jarring, or something. I don't understand their thought process, I mean, why worry about peers when you won't even drive me to school? So, no one is supposed to read this, I'm gonna burn it all when it's done, but for the record, I bought a knife the other week. It's a butterfly knife, and it cost me a pretty penny but I feel safer with it when I go out._

_ I'm not scared leaving home, exactly, it's more like I'm just anxious around everybody who's a stranger, I guess. The nightmares haven't stopped, but I don't expect them to, and when I'm in town I swear I see **his **face around every corner. But that's preposterous, it's obviously just me being paranoid, because he's locked up in jail miles and miles out of town. _

_God, writing this isn't helping at all, it's just making me more depressed. Fuck it, I'm done for today. _

_August 19th 1997_

_So I skipped last month's entry because this is a waste of time. So, uh, he got sentenced for eighty years and my parents got some money in compensation, and so that's good. I started back at school and thankfully no one's been notified of anything and the kids are too retarded to read the newspaper. The gym teacher kind of freaks me out, but he was creepy before the incident. I'm getting A's in all my subjects, but that's nothing new. I don't really know what else to write other than I got my award for perfect attendance for last year? Whatever. _

_November 14th 1997_

_It happened again, and by it I mean **It. **It was the fucking gym teacher, I swear he always looked at me weird. He didn't get to...do IT, exactly, but he cornered me in the locker room after school and tried to pull down my pants. I can't believe I'm actually writing this down, good Lord, anyway, I freaked out and took out my knife and managed to stab him in the thigh and get out of there. I notified the police on the way home, so I guess I'll have to go through another trial, and stuff. What is WITH old dudes and wanting to fuck me?! I don't get it, maybe I look too much like a girl, Mairu always says that to me. Note to self: learn how to knife fight. _

_December 30th 1997_

_So to leave an update, I'm taking lessons on knife fighting and parkour from a classmates mother, believe it or not. Next year I'm transferring to Raijin Academy, where I'd rather be more involved in activities than I am now. I've won essay contests, slogan and poetry awards, but I'd rather get involved with student council or something. It'll establish a good reputation and I can just observe people whenever I please. I've started trying to figure out people more and more since **It **happened so it doesn't happen again, and who knows, maybe it'll be a good occupational tool in the future? Anyway, I don't think I'm going to write until I start at Raijin next year, because I'm clogged up with finals and anti-depressants and what not. _

_October 7th 1998_

_Holy shit, look at that it's already been a year since I wrote in this damn laptop dairy thing. Looking back I mentioned wanting to get more involved with things here in Raijin and I definitely am. I'm the vice president of the elementary student council, have already won an independent research award, and apparently I'm popular. It's funny what having good looks, (albeit girlish ones) and having a well known family have spread my name. Girls like me a lot, and I've gotten more love letter in these last three months than I've ever had on any Valentine's Day. _

_Despite being so well known, I don't like to socialize unless I have to, and I spend lunch and any breaks I can get in the library. I like to read as much as I can, because I want to get ahead and life and become smarter. I know I'm a top student but I don't necessarily look down on my classmates. I know I'm smart, but that doesn't mean I am smarter or more superior than anyone else. I'm not that egotistic. _

_February 19th 1999_

_As a healthy thirteen year old boy I should be flattered at the amount of Valentines stuffed into my locker, but I don't think I'm interested in girls like all the other boys. That's not to say I'm interested in boys, either, or men-as I feel I am obligated to point out. Maybe I'm asexual, and that's fine by me. Less of a distraction, I can focus on people's actions rather than their asses, I suppose. I've heard a rumor than the year after next they're joining the academy with the highschool nearby and we'll be called the Raira Academy Highschool, which to me just sounds like the board was lazy in the renaming. _

_March 23rd 1999_

_So a few weeks ago a classmate named Shinra Kishitani who wanted to start a biology club came up and approached me with the idea. I declined, because I had no interest in him or the club, and went on as normal. But after watching him I realized that he is my exact opposite. I don't understand how he can be so uninterested in human beings. They are such fascinating, complex creatures with so many different reasons for their motives and behaviors. So yesterday I agreed to be the vice president of the club because I want to study him more. He's very strange. _

_April 6th 1999_

_There's this boy in my class who won't leave me alone and he looks at me the way the gym teacher and **he **looked at me. Hajime Shishizaki's from a rich family, and my God is he strong. He's fast too, and has been able to keep up with me when I practice parkour in the courtyard. He terrifies me, I'll admit it. I'm fucking terrified he'll try something, get me cornered, because I know no matter how many words I spin, no matter how good I am with a knife, no matter how fast I am, he's going to overpower me. _

_The boy's obsessed with me, he stares at me in class and I can barely sit in my seat without feeling like I'm going to vomit. I wonder if that girl that Shinra talks about all the time, I think her name was Celty, feels like I do about the boy obsessed about me? I don't know what to do, I really don't. _

_July 25th 1999_

_I think I fucked up big time. _

_So in the beginning of April Shinra left the club's presentation entirely up to me at the club expo. I was honestly getting bored of the whole idea, and Nakura, one of our members, suggested we turn it into a gambling ring and split the profits. I didn't feel bad about ruining Shinra's club, because I'm technically half of the club, and went along with it. I wanted to see human behavior in such an environment, and brushed off Shinra every time he tried to intervene. I was getting obsessed with study people, I admit it, but at the time it was too enjoyable to give up. _

_One day Nakura came in screaming his head off that I return the money I won, but me, being a hot headed idiot, refused. I mean, it was my money that I won fair and square, he can't just cry and think I'll give it back. But he got angrier, and drew a knife and started to threaten me. I refused, again, because no matter how much fancy footwork the guy thought he knew, I knew more. Nakura rushed at me, and I could have handled it, honest, but Shinra jumped in the fucking way and took the knife for me. _

_I realized, as he lay bleeding on the floor, that the reason Shinra bothered me so much was because of his ability to seperate himself from the world because he loved Celty. Nakura freaked out and actually fainted, and since there were no other people in the class I formulated a plan. As I put pressure on Shinra's wound I told him to tell every that I was the one who stabbed him and told him I would make Nakura pay for the rest of his life for what he did. Shinra was confused, obviously because he was losing a lot of blood, but he agreed. I only asked because if people feared me, Hajime would fear me, and then maybe he would back off. _

_I got taken into protective custody, and after everything was settled and they let me go, who comes after me but Hajime. I was walking behind the record store by the mall when went and pinned me to the wall. It was raining so I had been wearing a hoodie to keep the rain off, which meant I had my knife handy in the front pocket. Apparently he's made of lead, and punched me in the face and busted open my lip. Of course the rest is obvious, and I don't feel like writing about it when I just got out of the shower and still feel digusting. When it was all over he left, and I dressed and ran in the other direction despite wanting to collapse into a heap. _

_I bumped into a guy that I'm pretty sure was Yakuza, he apologized but I couldn't say anything. My throat was raw from screaming and I still don't want to try speaking because I'm afraid my vocal cords are wrecked. I hate myself for being weak and crying for help and in pain, but I couldn't help it. Fuck, I'm getting off track, anyway, I don't think he got a good look at me, and I don't think he followed me or anything. But he looked a lot like **him **and that scared me more than anything that Hajime did. _

_I know it wasn't him, because he's rotting in prison, but he resmebled him a bit and I just...I don't know...I'm going to bed, I'll write the next entry eventually...I'm sore and just want to sleep it all off. _

* * *

Goodnight everyone :)

**DON'T FORGET TO LEAVE A REVIEW! EVEN IF IT JUST SAYS 'REVIEW'! **


	4. Chapter 3

**Let's get to 30 reviews you guys, please!**

* * *

"So I reminded you of the man who raped you when you were a child..." Shiki pushed back from the desk and mumbled to himself, snuffing his cigarette into the ashtray. He stared out at the twilight cityscape, hands in his pocket and mind wandering. Reading this diary was not helping his grief, the thought that the boy had developed an unhealthy attachment to him off his fear sending a shiver down his spine.

He sighed through his nose and ran a hand through his hair. There was no point in reading any more of such depressing literature that night, he had nearly two weeks left of his leave. Tomorrow he would go out and walk in town for a little bit, to clear his head of the fog. He turned away from the window, exiting from the program and booting down the laptop, running his hand over the black surface when he closed the computer. Izaya had always been a mysterious boy to him, but always one who seemed devoted to him despite him not giving the boy any reason to be.

He was done for the night and retired to his room after changing into a pair of sleeping pants, dousing the lights and bathing his room in darkness.

* * *

Shiki sat on a lonely bench in one of the few parks in Shinjuku. He had left before the sun rose, and now the light of day was beginning to creep over the horizon, illuminating the thick fog that was all around in the morning dew. It was like the fog in his brain, a cushion to stop him from the painful realization that the boy who would barge into his apartment to nap on his lap while he read the newspaper wasn't going to come back. He was gone, and he had left such a horrible diary for him to read, for what purpose? It would serve nothing but to show Shiki that their relationship was corrupted and built on hidden truths.

He thought back to that raining evening, when that same boy had appeared in his apartment drenched from head to toe, much like the first time they met. Hair plastered to his forehead, a scratch under his left eye that slowly dripped crimson, his trademark jacket now with darkened clumped fur. Shiki had been on his own laptop, typing away a report, pausing to stare at the wet informant standing in the center of his living room.

_"What's the matter, Orihara?"_

_"I love you, Daiki."_

_"Excuse me?"_

Could he have responded differently, could he have let him down in a different manner that wouldn't have been so harsh? Would that have changed the outcome that lead to the boy's death? Was it his fault the boy was dead in the first place? He had taken the bullet for him, because he had loved him, was that his fault? He didn't see how it could have been, since he had never tried to make the boy fall for him or give him any indication he was interested. It was all the boy's doing, all the boy's choice, but it still made him fill up with guilt.

_"I love you so much I'd die for you."_

And in the end he had, and Shiki hadn't been able to respond when the boy had said that. Was it his fault that he was so shocked? Here came this boy, soaking wet and looking like he'd been in a street fight, a boy he had viewed as a little brother or even a son, here he came and said he loved him enough to die for him. He'd called him by his real name, something that let him know that the boy wasn't speaking of familial love. That, and the look he wore just spoke volumes.

_"I indeed care for you, Izaya, but not in that manner, I apologize." _

He was telling the truth, in fact he had never even thought about Izaya once like that. He could admit the boy was attractive, but he had never held feelings for the boy like that. And what had Izaya done? He had taken it like a mature adult, his face never betraying any negative emotions though it was clear the response had hurt him from the smile he had donned. It was the smile of a practiced liar, a smile only another practiced liar could have identified as a facade.

_"Alright, I just wanted to tell you that, that's fine if it's not mutual." _

_"My deepest apologies, Izaya."_

_"No problem, have a good night kay?" _

And he had left, and the next day he came to their morning appointment without a hint of awkwardness or any sign that the confession that night before had happened at all. It was like it had been an impostor, though Shiki knew it hadn't been. After the boy had left he hadn't been able to get back to writing his report, and had gone to bed early. What had Izaya done that night? How had his face looked when it turned to leave? Had he made the boy cry?

Shiki crumpled his empty coffee cup in his hand and threw it in the trash just as the golden rays of sunlight filtered through the trees. He had enough moping about, the only way he was getting any answers, any closure, was through that diary.

* * *

_May 29th 2000_

_The reason I haven't been writing anything is because I've been busy gathering evidence to get Hajime convicted. So far I have the law on my side, and privacy is going well, and Hajime has been pulled out of school for questioning. In the meantime I have new classmates, and there is a single person in question who has been able to entertain me. Shizuo Heiwajima, from the moment we met we tried to kill each other, more he than I, and such an interesting person is far too much fun let leave alone. _

_He and I chase each other around town, since I know what they're teaching us from my middle school efforts and I have no problem acing my final exams. Looking at my last entry, it's ironic, because I met the same yakuza guy I bumped into before when hiding from the monster throwing vending machines. I pretended like I hadn't met him before, because I didn't know whether he was the type to hold petty grudges that could cost me my life, and he ended giving me his business card after I rattled on about pointless things to hide my anxiety. _

_It's funny, now that I had a better look at him he doesn't remind so much of **him **at all. The shadows of the alleyway made him look older, he's probably in his twenties, pretty young for a yakuza. Shiki is obvious an alias, and I've never understood why parents would give such ominous sounding names to their children anyway. I think I'll contact him, because I have nothing to lose from it, maybe I can get a job after all. I have no real ambition to better the world, I have skills and I now have an outlet in which to use them, and my parents are already disappointed in me to begin with so I couldn't care in the slightest. Of course there is always the possibility they might dismiss me for my age and try and rape me. But honestly, it's not like I'm a virgin and it's already happened before, it bothers me more they might take my life. _

_I'm afraid of dying, but that's normal, I don't believe in God and an afterlife, and I fear the loss of my existence more than anything. I can't see myself growing old, which is good because becoming senile and losing my mind is the same as a loss of existence to me. Anyway I think I'm getting off track. Night._

_July 9th 2000_

_Newsflash: I have a job now! Yay! So Shiki, or Shiki-san as I've been told to call him, is a high ranking member of Awakusu-kai, a underground yakuza organization like I thought! Haha! Anyway, he said he'd heard of me, which was weird since I haven't done much but a couple odd jobs giving away information at low prices. Not like I care, because he hired me as an informant for them, which is great because I've been dying to save enough money to move out as fast as I can. I know my parents have caught on that what I've done outside school hasn't been exactly legal and I known they're pissed I'm disgracing the family name every time I file a sexual assault report. Stupid because it's not MY fault I'm targeted so much. They should just disown me already if it bothers them so much!_

_Gah! Night._

_December 29th 2000_

_Come to think of it, why am I still writing this thing? No one's ever going to read this and it hasn't helped me as much as it helps me chronologically keep my mind set. It helps me vent, sure, but I feel the same before and after. Anyway, I've been getting along well with Shiki-san and he's actually really nice beneath all that intimidating aura of his. He's really honorable, sticking to a strict code with his clients and coworkers. I've made enough money to purchase a small apartment for myself, and I'm going to move to Shinjuku, where Shiki lives. I don't really feel like graduating highschool, because I already am on a college level, so I'm going to drop out at the end of sophomore year._

_Night._

_March 24th 2001_

_So today I went to the new restaurant Russian Sushi, a great opportunity to practice my Russian, and I found they serve ootoro in bulk! I'm so excited I can buy my favorite food for cheap! Shiki took me there to discuss business, but I found myself more engrossed in my food than the topic. It's a lot of fun working behind the scenes, if that means anything now after all I've done. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone unless they can handle it, and I believe it takes a certain person to make it in illegal activities. I've been thinking about researching Shiki, just for the heck of it, but I think I'll wait until a couple years has passed and he's not so incline to fire me so easily._

_April 8th 2001_

_Never mind, I'm not patient, so I went and researched him and it was actually hard to find. His name is Daiki Nagisa and he went to high school in Fukuoka, Kyushu. He is currently twenty-six, lives five blocks away from my apartment, and likes that Ruri Hijiribe, which I think is hilarious. He had a cat but it passed away last year, but that's not very important information. Or I guess it could be, for something. I'm rambling, I don't know why I'm writing this, and I think I'm going to go see if I can pick a fight with Shizuo a few more times before I drop out of school._

Shiki was interrupted in his reading by his desk phone going off, and he closed the laptop on instinct and picked it up. He was technically off duty, but not everyone knew that so he would have no choice up to take the call.

He did not expect it to be Izaya's parents.

* * *

Lol, cliffy cuz I'm a bitch.


	5. Chapter 4

Well, I've had a hectic week with a lot of stress, but over the summer I've managed to lose eight pounds! Which is great because I might be able to go back to college at the same weight I was before the dreaded freshmen fifteen had it's way with me...

* * *

_"I'm sorry, is this Shiki of Awakusakai? This is Shirou Orihara, Izaya's father."_ Shiki held his breath at the male voice on the other line, pondering the topic of coincidence vs fate. "Yes, this is he, may I say I am very sorry for your loss." He honestly was, if his sleepless nights and the fact he was reading such a horrendous journal said anything.

_"I'm sure you are, though I'm sure you're more sorry for the funds you lost from his death."_

"Excuse me?"

_"A pimp losing his whore is a sad affair indeed."_

...

Shiki narrowed his eyes, confused and rather offended but he was a professional.

"...Do you have any idea what Awakusakai is, Mr. Orihara?" The name was not well known among the common, but surely the boy's parents hadn't thought he was working for a whorehouse.

_"A whorehouse, is it not?"_

Apparently he was wrong.

Shiki pinched the bridge of his nose, exhaling a sigh that threatened to become a weak chuckle. It was almost amusing, _almost, _that Izaya's parents thought he had dropped out of high school and had gained an infamous reputation because he worked in a _whorehouse. _However it was more depressing that the boy's parents had so little faith in their son, and so much confidence in his promiscuity, of which Shiki could say with absolute certainty that he had none.

"It is not, we are a corporation of various agencies. Though I fear I must ask where you heard such an awful rumor." It wasn't necessarily a lie, more of a half truth than anything. He didn't want to give any reason for the couple to think more poorly of their son than they already did. There was a pause on the other line, in which Shiki heard only muffled noises in-between bursts of static.

_"Oh, if that is the case, then my apologies. However Izaya's the one who said he worked for a whorehouse, if you must know. His mother and I are grieving, as much as one can grieve for a boy who was dead to us long before the bullet found its mark."_

The line dropped.

Shiki staring blankly ahead with dark stormy eyes. He was done playing around, this was just disgusting. Besides the fact that the call offered the parents nothing, they hadn't asked for anything and the call was left unjustified, it only served to damped Shiki's mood even further. The phone call hadn't even made sense, why would Izaya say such a thing? The dairy would obviously answer his question, but now he didn't feel like reading into it.

The possibility that Izaya's mind had been more warped than he portrayed, that perhaps the boy had been delusional the whole time, struck a cord in Shiki's thawed heart that hurt like a knife to the heart. Of course his parents could have been lying, could have known of Izaya's love for him and wanted to get at him for further 'tarnishing their family name'. That was most likely it, most definitely, because if it wasn't then Shiki was going to consider becoming a true alcoholic.

He opened up the laptop, the device on sleep mode, and ran his fingers over the trackpad until it came back to life. He shoved a fresh cigarette between his lips and flicked his lighter with practiced fingers, now he could read in a sedated peace.

* * *

_May 4th 2001 _

_So today is my birthday and I'm turning fifteen! Yay...Gonna go each my ootoro shaped cake now bye~_

_June 29th 2001_

_I love summer break, and I guess the rest of my life is now summer break because I successfully dropped out of high school AND moved out of my parents house. I feel kind of bad for leaving Mairu and Kukuri behind with such shitty parents but I really have no choice anymore. They act like I don't exist and that's fine with me, they're were so damn ashamed of me they painted over my name off the family tree portrait in the living room-and that was just after **he **raped me. They didn't even take **his **fucking name off the wall, I don't get it! _

_Whatever, this is all old news. What is not old news is the fact that the Celty that Shinra went on about so much happens to be a dullahan. That's right, that mythological being that carries its own head under its arm and stuff-a literal headless horseman considering the motorcycle she rides around was once a horse. I don't know how its possible, but I'm sure I'll find out eventually._

_August 20th 2001 _

_So good news and bad news. _

_The good news is I finally fixed the ugly black trench coat my dumb sisters got me for my birthday for a prank. _

_The bad news is that it looks like a girl's coat. _

_Its pretty, though, with real fox fur trimmings I sewed in myself, but the fact remains that I look in the mirror and I can confuse **myself **that I'm a girl. Fuck it, I'm making it shorter so its like a normal jacket. Though I could probably use this to my advantage, slip on a pair of short heels and put in hair extensions and scare Shizu-chan to death. Yes, I'm going to try that just once and then the rest of this stupid coat is going in the trash. Or maybe I'll turn it into a pair of pants...I think I'm going to go with that. _

* * *

Shiki snorted in an uncharacteristic laugh and startled himself. He had forgotten he had gone back to being Daiki whilst on the phone with the Oriharas, going back to his Shiki persona. It felt good to unwind, even if it was through the saddening diary of a deceased friend.

Were they even friends? Shiki had always held the boy close to his frozen heart, the boy enough of a spit fire that he could thaw the ice, and the boy had apparently done the same though in a more extreme sense. They weren't the sort of friends who would call each other such in public, because their private lives were their own. Izaya often invited himself over without a word of warning, pick his lock that he changed after every visit, and drape himself over Shiki's lap while he read a book or a newspaper. He'd stay silent while the other napped with his head on his thigh, and when the boy was soundly asleep he'd sometimes run his fingers through the silky black hair.

Back to the diary before he ruined his mood further.

* * *

_October 19th 2001_

_Shiki's fun to sleep on when I'm done fighting (mostly running from) with Shizu-chan. He'll read something and I'll just fall asleep, and I sometimes wonder how I'm so comfortable with him when I know I shouldn't be. I don't know, I guess I trust him, which is strange because I don't think I trust anyone else. I think its sort of funny that he wears so many rings, maybe they mean something. I'll look it up later, no wait no I won't. You know what I'll do? I'm going wear the exact same rings on the exact same fingers and see if he notices. I think it'll make a good laugh, at least for me. I know the most he'll do is give me a look and that'll be it. But it'll be so worth it._

_November 18th 2001_

_I may have gotten the head that Celty wants to find so much. I think I'll keep it and see if it has supernatural properties or something. I'll give it back...eventually-because where's the fun if it's just a floating severed head. I wonder if it holds immortal powers...nah that's just ridiculous...but why not? :)_

_January 5th 2002_

_Made game board today that's a combination of Chess, Othello, and Shogi that's a single player game. It's a lot like solitaire and its fun to amuse myself with. _

_Creativity and intelligence at it's finest._

_February 16th 2002_

_Found a black kitten today and brought it home with me. He has a white patch on his front and at the end of his tail, and has white socks. He's freaking adorable and I decided to name him Psyche because I'm sure that even though he's an adorable animal he's going to grow up to be a pain in the ass._

_February 17th 2002_

_He's already shit on my carpet, it didn't take very long apparently._

_March 22nd 2002_

_Shiki saved me today...again...I was cornered by some thugs who managed to knock my knife out of my hand with a lucky gun shot. They broke my arm but eventually Shiki's men came and got me out of the warehouse, lucky day for me though I'm typing with my left hand which is a bother. _

_June 5th 2002_

_Shiki came by and brought daisies, how nice. Of course as soon as he left Psyche knocked over the vase and ruined it all. Oh well, it's the thought that counts. Maybe I'll bake him a cake, at least I know how to make that. Unfortunately I only have strawberry mix so he'll have to deal with a sweet-sour cake. I don't really like sweets to begin with but it's the closest color to ootoro and I like to make ootoro cakes with lemon filling when I'm bored. _

_July 17th 2002_

_I managed to trick Shizu-chan into getting hit by a truck which landed him in the hospital. Thankfully I turned around fast enough to watch his glorious flight, it was like watching a chicken try and fail to fly. It was funny. _

_May 5th 2002_

_So my parents thought it would be funny to send me all my old furniture straight to my door, which means now I have to move in all this crap before I get bitched at by my neighbors for blocking the hallways. I got most of it inside on my own but had to pay the janitor to help with the rest. They gave me my old photo albums which I promptly burned, all those pictures with the whole family all hugging and smile made me nostalgic for the days when my parents gave a crap. Of course they were all of them with my sisters, because I avoided getting my photo taken as a child because I was convinced it would steal my soul after watching a horror film. I still mentally wince when I hear cameras go off. Gosh I'm such a pansy._

* * *

Shiki pushed away from his desk, snickering at the absurdity of it all, and noticed the time. It was nearly three in the afternoon, and he'd rather spend his rare time off doing things other than reading his fallen friend's diary. He spent the rest of the day watching the news and the movie that Akabayashi had practically shoved down his shirt. Watching the live action version of Higurashi was a funny way to end a funny day and he snickered over the bad acting while eating a slice of the ootoro shaped cake Izaya had made for him a week ago. The strawberry cake with lemon icing filling gave him a comforting feeling, as if Izaya was telling him that being sad would make him sad.

* * *

Not kidding, I want that cake RIGHT now


	6. Chapter 5

So I've probably watched The Grey over ten times this month since I discovered this philosophical gem. The wolves and the ABSOLUTE PERFECT airplane crash are just a bonus. _Once more into the fray, into the last good fight I'll ever know, live and die on this day, live and die on this day. _

I'm hungry now, I wonder why?

* * *

Shiki was out on his own, doing the grocery shopping that he rarely ever did himself. He didn't want to have to eat Izaya's cake to feed himself for the next two days, and that was all he had in his refrigerator, coffee didn't count. Walking through the aisle with a corny jingle playing throughout the store, Shiki pushed a grocery cart and wondered whether he felt like eating beef stew or instant noodles for lunch that day. He wasn't a good cook, not like Izaya, and often the boy would come over and make him food for the whole week, leaving his fridge filled to the brim in tupperware containers the boy brought himself.

Once the cart was filled to the brim with foods he could pop into the microwave, he payed for it and shoved it all into his car. Usually people drove him around, but for now he was enjoying navigating the city. He went home, thinking about Izaya, and realized that almost every waking thought he had was of the poor boy, while at night his mind replayed memories.

The night before he had dreamt of when Izaya had confessed to him, yet again, and no matter how many times he relieved the scene he was still just as disturbed at the heartbreaking look in the boy's eyes.

After making a lunch of instant noodles and stocking up his fridge, Shiki went back to the dairy.

* * *

_May 18th 2003_

_So I skipped a year writing in this journal, what can I say? I've been busy. Seventeen and rerouting information a thousand times over, it gets time consuming. I've made my apartment more...professional, to say the least, and it looks more like Shiki's now. I know it's weird, but I admire him a lot. He's very professional in what he does, but he's kind, and I like that. _

_June 7th 2003_

_It's funny, I've started to notice strange little quirks that Shiki has. Maybe I should write Daiki or Nagisa-san in here...I think I'll go with Daiki-san, maybe I can get him to let me call him that in private. That'd be cool. So anyway, Daiki-san wipes his feet before he enters a house, regardless of whether it has an entry mat or not. He drinks his coffee with exactly three tablespoons of sugar, and has a rather prominent sweet tooth. He scrapes the icing off whatever cake he's eating and saves it for last (luckily the ootoro strawberry/lemon cake has icing in the middle :)). He also combs the right side of his hair before the left, and puts his right hand in his pocket when he walks around, fiddling with his lighter. _

_June 18th 2003_

_Daiki-san bought Psyche a collar with his name on it and a little bell attached, it's so cute. :3_

_July 8th 2003_

_Is strange that I like the way Daiki-san smells? His cologne is from Paris, and I didn't notice before but it smells **awesome. **_

_September 29th 2003_

_Didn't write for last month because I dislocated my shoulder fighting with Shizuo and it was sore for a long time. His brother went into acting, which is bizarre because he barely has any facial expressions and never says anything. _

_October 28th 2003_

_Okay, I think I have a big problem on my hands. _

_I think I have a crush on Daiki-san. I realized it when I woke up from a nap on his couch and his hand was running through my hair. He wacks me upside the head a lot whenever I needlessly annoy him with my spontaneous hugs, and he must pat my head when he thinks I'm asleep. I realized it felt nice and then that I was blushing. Of course he happened to realize I was awake and stopped petting my head immediately. I put on a mask and pretended like I had somewhere to be and came back here and now I'm writing this because I think I'm going to start crying. _

_I. Can't. Like. Him._

_I can't like anybody like that! I love humans equally and he's human and_

_October 29th 2003_

_Sorry it cut off so abruptly but I vomited in my waste basket and passed out on the floor. Rather unbecoming but at least I was alone. So, as I was saying before: this can't be happening. I can't have a crush on Daiki Nagisa! I mean, I can and apparently do have one, but it's __1. Not going to work out well __and __2. Not going to work out well_

_I'm too damn traumatized by men, sexually, that I just can't bring myself to have a relationship with anyone anyway. I can't help but think that no one would like me for me and would rather be going for sex rather than well, a relationship. Anyway, disregarding the fact that if we WERE to get together it'd be illegal and he's nearly noble my age...I'm a hundred percent sure the feeling isn't mutual. If anything I'm like his little brother, or dare I say it, his son. _

_..._

_I think I'm going to be sick again, I can't believe it, STUPID HEART! Forget it! I'm getting drunk and forgetting all this ever happened and tomorrow morning this damn infatuation will be gone!_

* * *

Aw, I feel bad for Izzy, but the look on Shiki's face right now while reading this must be fucking priceless.

Sorry it's so short, by the way, but I'm really busy


End file.
